Obstacles of my own design
Tripping over the bones I leave around
No use for closets
People always find what you hide

No noble purpose
Stand out to fit in
But the open book is a cover all it’s own
A facade to deter prying eyes

Inflated ego beyond it’s extent
The damage is done its shredded and torn
The call of nothing is strong
But nothing is never easy

To say the words is wrong
To think it seems unavoidable
The story on the page becomes my own
But the book is not mine

throw it away… it’s gone
time to forget
and move on

but there it is
that tickle
how long has it been
it feels like seconds

it’s almost burning
think about something else
forget about it
it’s supposed to already be forgotten

why can’t it be left alone
why won’t it leave the mind
bring it back
make it intentional

reel it in again

It owns you
Pulling at everything you do
Moments of freedom interupted by thought
Stabbing into the mundane
And digging it to the surface

Push it down
Bury it again
Run away and hope it doesn’t catch you
But it always catches you

Is acceptance the answer?
Is it even possible?
Is there a balance to this good and evil?
Is there ever?
Good conquers evil
Show me the proof
This world is a show of opposite
Life is pain

Everything you want lives here
Everything you loath
Show the hope to set the hook of disappointment
Pain

Why do you bother fighting anymore
Where is this hope coming from
Beat down over and over again
How do you stand
From the outside it may look like courage
Unquestionable strength
But it’s nothing so noble
Is it?
It’s habbit

Seeing isn’t knowing
Knowing doesn’t lead to action
It’s a constant array of debris
Jagged rocks, and broken bones
Not enough to satisfy an end
Not enough to take it all away

And there’s the light
At times so bright
A burn is on the horizon
But to look away is to give up.
From the dark, the light is a drug

Light in the dark places
Just makes shadows
Dark corners to hide
Secrets
To step into the bright spaces
You need more than light
You need to leave the darkness

It’s human nature it seems
To never have enough
To be healthy, sufficient, and live in abundance
Have shelter, food and a shower
But there are those with more
Who, coincidently, want more
And as such we will never be happy

I, for one, am striving for contentment
Not to end ‘want’ but to be happy with ‘have’
I will fail, sadly
All but for these ephemeral steps of time

The Elephant
in my head
Is heavy

My skull
is beginning to crack
Get off,
get off,
fuck off

My feet are webbed
Moving up my legs
I want to get lost

Tho they don’t move
They’re stuck to you
The spider is come,
takes me away
take me away

the stench is thick
I welcome it in
drown in me

It’s atmosphere
Is heavy
It’s empty in here,
empty in here,
I’m empty

In the cold & rain
I’ll walk away
I wont run

I see my goal
But I won’t go
It’s time for alone,
I’ll go alone,
this time

Aargh!  The title is the only thing I like of the 4 posts I’ve TRIED to write today.  So instead, here’s a lazy venting, complaining journal post.

The last while, I’ve had a hard time getting it down.  I’m too aware of what I want to say, what I’m trying to work out.

I’ve written a lot of music instead.  I won’t ever complain about that.  I just wish either one was something I could simply use as an outlet.  Instead, they are frequently a source of frustration.  Like all I need to do is bust down some wall (not even metaphorically, sometimes, like today, it feels like it’s all behind a physical wall in my chest) and it will all come flowing out.  Words, music, release.

I’ve tried to talk it out.  But where?  Who?  I know I can… but I can’t.  It needs to be something else, and it feels like it will never come.

Maybe when I’m no longer content with discontent.

Do you ever have those days?

The ones where you don’t hate your job, but you just can’t be there today?

Ever feel that way about your life?

I don’t hate my life.  But I could sure use a holiday from it.

I’m having one of those days where, were I financially able, I would disappear.

Leave behind all the crap & bull shit.  I’d leave behind all that is meaningful & good too.

Today I’d trade it all.

The funny thing about days like these is nothing ever seems to set them off.

There’s no fight, or stupidity to piss you off.  There’s just nothing… the same old.

Time to fuckin spice it up!

This is my glass is half full post. After yestardays slightly stoned and ridiculously depressing post, a little sunshine may be in order. My transition into positivity is helped along by Dan Mangan:

“Ive gotta shout, the time,
Can’t think of a single day
That I’m wasting away, wasted my time
Wishing the world, would fuck off
At least then I could be bitter

And now I’m just, fabulous
You are, fabulous
We’re so fucking, fabulous
We don’t even know it”

So good. He makes me wanna write.

That’s all for now….. I’m at work.

I realized today that since Feb 7, I have only posted 6 things.  I used to force my self to post everyday.  I need to start forcing myself again.  I used to write continuously, lots of it useless crap, but I was writing.  Through that writing I at least explore (perhaps, at times overindulge) the item that is presently on my mind.  Of late, I have been useless, not just in writings, but in everything.  I have no desire to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything.  I am lethargic, beyond the extreme.  I have been a shitty friend.  I have been a shitty husband.  I have been a shitty boss.  & I care… but not really.  I am becoming jaded to everything around me, and want nothing to do with any of it.

This may be me at my most honest.  I am ridiculously tired today… as I have been the last while & don’t have the energy to mask my truth and hint at it under the guise of creativity.

Ever have those days where you don’t want to be at work.  Not a job you hate, a job you actually like.  You don’t have anywhere else to be, or do, and it may not even be nice out, but for some reason, the last place you want to be is  there.  That’s how I feel about my life today.  I’m done!  There’s nothing wrong with it.  It’s perfectly good, and I have nothing to be complaining about.  But I am completely discontent.  I want to leave everything I have, everyone I know and start over or hide.

Relationships, all relationships have limits.  What if one reaches there limit and the other hasn’t…………… it doesn’t matter cause I wouldn’t do anything anyway.

I’ll probably, regret posting this later….. I should edit & filter…….

Fuck It!

Happy 420