Obstacles of my own design
Tripping over the bones I leave around
No use for closets
People always find what you hide
No noble purpose
Stand out to fit in
But the open book is a cover all it’s own
A facade to deter prying eyes
Inflated ego beyond it’s extent
The damage is done its shredded and torn
The call of nothing is strong
But nothing is never easy
To say the words is wrong
To think it seems unavoidable
The story on the page becomes my own
But the book is not mine
Do you ever have those days?
The ones where you don’t hate your job, but you just can’t be there today?
Ever feel that way about your life?
I don’t hate my life. But I could sure use a holiday from it.
I’m having one of those days where, were I financially able, I would disappear.
Leave behind all the crap & bull shit. I’d leave behind all that is meaningful & good too.
Today I’d trade it all.
The funny thing about days like these is nothing ever seems to set them off.
There’s no fight, or stupidity to piss you off. There’s just nothing… the same old.
Time to fuckin spice it up!
It’s not always there.
A fleeting moment of perspective.
When isolation is the goal.
And a sense of victory expected at it’s achievement.
Yet, self doubt and a longing for another remains.
Get lost. Find your own way. Seek what you want.
Yet life still somehow requires communion.
That which speaks to the self in a way that could never accurately be expressed.
Or understood fully.
Still, somehow amplified when co-appreciated.
Appreciation does not mandate understanding,
In fact, it renders it meaningless.
Ineffable…. When words can’t describe…..
In the cities and the gutters
where our burdens all surrender
to the pressures of cold weather
& the pressures of one another
Lock yourself inside. Stay out of the cold. If we could allow ourselves the freedom from pressure, from expectation….hmm. That’s the good life. But often, the heaviest weights we carry are the ones loaded by our own selves. To lock yourself away, is to confine yourself with your greatest critic. Go out to the city, that you fear. Look for freedom there.
And the hopelessness of our descent and the pressures under which we went are buried in the shadows of a Parkdale basementWe continuously look for hope in others. In ‘great’ people, bringing a ‘great’ change. The only thing that seems to change is who we place this hope in. The war just belongs to a new country. A new society becomes the symbol of industrialized greed. or another of utter suffering. ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’. How many people know this, or have the bumper sticker? How many people do it?
We give up. Over and over again. Something minuscule changes and we get a second wind…..then give up again. Take a look at the ‘irrelevant’ moments of your past. How many of them were truly dealt with or just moved to the bottom of the pile, buried under ‘more pressing’ maters. We can’t deal with the small…we will never tackle the immense.
Now, emotions grow in rows and rows Regurgitate the tv shows The understatements that they sell confuse the youth that guide themselvesWe live the lives we created. The change we seek, is merely a piece of what we created. We don’t want it, it will never come. We can’t live a ’sweet sixteen at thirty three’ (Hayden). We will never achieve a station where longing is absent. Allow it, seek it, but never stop moving forward.
All is still present in aloneness.
Judgement, love, hate, discontent.
But all in form. In balance.
No one ever controls any given moment.
Value is placed, based on current place, time, environment.
No one else dictating reality or truth.
You are left with your own. It’s easy here,
even when it is hard,
simple when complicated, and clear when confusing.
This is not an attempt at obscurity, or vague random thought,
it’s true.
With the clarity that comes in this space
answers may not come,
but the inherent truth is that it is rarely as clear, as easy way or hard way.
It is a balance of opposites.
And how that balance settles is only clear when the pressure of thought or speech is not required.
To allow true self honesty & to fully detach from everything and everyone.
You are left with your own truth, in all it’s obscurity.
No man is an an island, but every loneliness a pinnacle.
…
…
….or a woman, if you are on……
To give without take is to degrade yourself. To be nice and kind does not require a complete removal of self. Our society pedestals the selfless act, where the selfless act does not exist. The woman who dedicates her entire life to an orphanage in a 3rd world country, does deserve praise, and honor, but don’t think it’s selfless. She does it because she feels needed, because she feels valued, and possibly because she likes the praise and honor.
So it goes with our daily lives, our connections, relationships and burdens. To some degree we accept them all, and it’s completely acceptable to say when your ‘take’ isn’t adequate. People to people have a value. If in any relationship your value is below your going rate, change it. Don’t sell yourself short (I’m not making the economic reference intentionally). A carpenter doesn’t purchase wood, glue, nails, and tools, create a fine work and sell it at a loss. We have an emotional value we place on ourselves and we should be comfortable, saying when we are being short changed.
So to give…..be giving. Give without asking for anything in return. But take what you need, or stop giving.
I have lost that freedom I once loved.
To walk and taste freedom
Whatever form freedom takes, I’ll accept it.
It’s not any cage that holds me now
The bars merely my own sense of responsibility
I built this, and continue to build this
Despite seeking refuge, never allowing it a place in this life.
Mysteriously seeking one.
The form changes, but at the core it’s always the same
To name it is too much
I know that this constant struggle against the compulsion of a single desire,
Is a compulsion all it’s own, but a form I prefer.
I find a dark satisfaction in pain – because pain comes from this.
It’s the only acceptable way I can let this motivate my life.
It is suddenly clear that I am that man,
The man that claims continued life changes, but never takes them.
It’s time to step in a new direction
And seek that which may never be found
but needs to be the destination.
They say the joy is in the journey,
I don’t know.
If the destination is clear, then the journey means nothing.
I hate the life is a highway metaphor
sadly it works.
The fact is my current road has a clear end in the relatively near future.
It ends violently, impulsively, or is very long and bumpy
But a new path is imminent.
Just need to choose the right exit
……….okay enough with that
Here’s the problem
It’s not torment, I wish it was.
I wish I was in absolute anguish.
But, I’m more like the walking dead,
I almost don’t care anymore
Which is exactly what I need to avoid now
Complacency is why I’m in deeper now than ever
I have no solution
But to change myself, MAN UP! and deal.
I cast blame nowhere but on myself.
Im where I am now because of what I never said years ago
I guess it’s time………
The step
to move in a direction
choice laden with no thought
others stop
no movement
still
The turn of the head
the close of the eyes
the pause
A step to stop
But moves more than words
The fight
it’s inside and still outside
it shines under that shade
motion fake
eyes stopped and stared.
It’s there
wrong and right
in plain view
no mention
no motion
To step
to move in a direction
choice laden with intent
with thought
with purpose
I’m understanding ‘balance’ more and more, and that maybe it is the great secret or key to life. There is benefits and risks to everything. Slide to much to one side and the benefits are overshadowed by the inherent down.
My current example is time. It ampifies and diminishes, brings to life and kills, brings clarity or confuses, you live in the moment or plan for the future. Those things that survive the test of time are truly of value.
Of late I have been living largely in the past. Well I am on a new shift to start living in the moment, without sacrificing the future……great, a three side scale, past, present, and future, I can’t get a handle the balancing of two.
I do think intentional attention on the positive, even when times are hard, when things suck, when they are not how you would like them is the greatest action you can take to achieving some sort of balance.
My positive……I have a great friend who inspires me.
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