Aargh! The title is the only thing I like of the 4 posts I’ve TRIED to write today. So instead, here’s a lazy venting, complaining journal post.
The last while, I’ve had a hard time getting it down. I’m too aware of what I want to say, what I’m trying to work out.
I’ve written a lot of music instead. I won’t ever complain about that. I just wish either one was something I could simply use as an outlet. Instead, they are frequently a source of frustration. Like all I need to do is bust down some wall (not even metaphorically, sometimes, like today, it feels like it’s all behind a physical wall in my chest) and it will all come flowing out. Words, music, release.
I’ve tried to talk it out. But where? Who? I know I can… but I can’t. It needs to be something else, and it feels like it will never come.
Maybe when I’m no longer content with discontent.
Do you ever have those days?
The ones where you don’t hate your job, but you just can’t be there today?
Ever feel that way about your life?
I don’t hate my life. But I could sure use a holiday from it.
I’m having one of those days where, were I financially able, I would disappear.
Leave behind all the crap & bull shit. I’d leave behind all that is meaningful & good too.
Today I’d trade it all.
The funny thing about days like these is nothing ever seems to set them off.
There’s no fight, or stupidity to piss you off. There’s just nothing… the same old.
Time to fuckin spice it up!
I realized today that since Feb 7, I have only posted 6 things. I used to force my self to post everyday. I need to start forcing myself again. I used to write continuously, lots of it useless crap, but I was writing. Through that writing I at least explore (perhaps, at times overindulge) the item that is presently on my mind. Of late, I have been useless, not just in writings, but in everything. I have no desire to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. I am lethargic, beyond the extreme. I have been a shitty friend. I have been a shitty husband. I have been a shitty boss. & I care… but not really. I am becoming jaded to everything around me, and want nothing to do with any of it.
This may be me at my most honest. I am ridiculously tired today… as I have been the last while & don’t have the energy to mask my truth and hint at it under the guise of creativity.
Ever have those days where you don’t want to be at work. Not a job you hate, a job you actually like. You don’t have anywhere else to be, or do, and it may not even be nice out, but for some reason, the last place you want to be is there. That’s how I feel about my life today. I’m done! There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s perfectly good, and I have nothing to be complaining about. But I am completely discontent. I want to leave everything I have, everyone I know and start over or hide.
Relationships, all relationships have limits. What if one reaches there limit and the other hasn’t…………… it doesn’t matter cause I wouldn’t do anything anyway.
I’ll probably, regret posting this later….. I should edit & filter…….
Fuck It!
Happy 420
It’s not always there.
A fleeting moment of perspective.
When isolation is the goal.
And a sense of victory expected at it’s achievement.
Yet, self doubt and a longing for another remains.
Get lost. Find your own way. Seek what you want.
Yet life still somehow requires communion.
That which speaks to the self in a way that could never accurately be expressed.
Or understood fully.
Still, somehow amplified when co-appreciated.
Appreciation does not mandate understanding,
In fact, it renders it meaningless.
Ineffable…. When words can’t describe…..
I am ridiculously FUCKING MAD right now.
After I left work today, I popped back for an hour to help out.
In that hour someone broke into my truck, stole my stereo, iPod, & gps.
I already bought a new iPod….it’s kinda a necessity.
But no music in my truck REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you know anyone who steals shit…. don’t tell me just cut their balls off!!
I’ve been thinking about,
reading about and hearing about this great meaning of life that everyone searches for.
I am one,,,,
Why is it we search outside of ourselves.
We seek it in others.
We seek it in conquest, in domination & submission, in conformation & independence.
Yet, we rarely seek that which we honestly want.
It’s hardest to look at the face in the mirror some days (maybe all days),
By longing for more, we concede a failure of the current self,
so concede completely.
Take a deep, dark look in your eyes and say it….
that what you want.
The meaning of life is that
“I want….”.
Strive for what makes you happy.
Remove obligation, but for obligation to self.
To want and seek, is to fail.
Repeatedly.
So I say, hold up those you care for in their attempted selfishness
It should be celebrated.
Perpetuation
Attempted movement
A rouse
Seeking
Without action
Peering around corners
Unwilling to step
Parallel lives
Fighting the same middle
Open to everything
But one
Pretend conscience
Pretend enlightenment
Pretend intentions
Afraid to hurt
But hurting more
Hurt one free another
To what end
Placed where we placed
Wishing, wanting, desiring
More
But not really
Focus on contentment
Not moving on
Growth a facade
To indulgence
Fight or flight
Flight
Run away
Live to disappear
Stepping out shines a light
Back to hermit-ville
- Room at the Top – Tom Petty
- Swing the Cellar Door – Hey Rosetta
- Skinny Love – Bon Iver
- My Backwards Walk – Frightened Rabbit
- Waiting for My Real Life to Begin – Colin Hay
- Lucky You – The National
- Search Party – Wintersleep
- About to Walk – Throw Me to the Statue
- Melody Day – Caribou
- The Hill – Marketa Irglova
- Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy
- Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
- Why Does it Always Rain on Me – Travis
- Hands on Fire – The Stills
- We Still Need A Song – Hawksley Workman
- Blood Bank – Bon Iver
- You Were Loved – Hayden
- Stolen – The Brian Jonestown Massacre
- Roll Roll and Flee – Nikola Sarcevic
- Poke – Frightened Rabbit
- We Made a Pact – Hey Rosetta
Sorry to those that tried to read my last post, and couldn’t. I took it down, I may put it back once I get a proper version, finished and complete. I rushed it and posted something that I didn’t like. If it’s a big deal comment I’ll send you the link, but it needed to be detached from this page.
I don’t know if that makes sense?
It’s funny how this works. You want to write about your reality when things suck. When they are good you almost feel bad admitting it.
That may be a topic for another post, I’m too tired to dig into it. But it’s where I am currently. I am sick, and it sucks! I was going to write about how much that affects your perspective, and regardless of how open minded we may think we are, we only see what’s right in front of us……..hmm something else to dig into later.
Anyway, then I read this quote by Edgar Allan Poe, and it changed my thought, it instilled a creative spurt, I started working on some of my photos, with renewed vision.
Daydreamer
I think I find it uplifting, that despite our worlds ‘slacker’ (& I am that) view of day dreaming, it just may have merit. This may just be good news for me, cause I do it a lot. It is a conscious dream, not one you experience, but far more pointed to our real wants and dreams. Again I’m too tired to work this out so you have to deal with my sick thought process. Basically, I thought it was a cool quote. I guess I took the long way of explaining that.
‘They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escapre those who dream only by night’ Edgar Allan Poe
It’s 3:33 HA!!
The screen burns my eyes
Awoken…………… from a dream. Frightened to fall back in, but it’s no nightmare.
It’s groundbreaking,not in this revelation, but in the acceptance that going back to sleep means hoping to return. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. At my most unrestrained I allow myself to the places I’ve guarded against.
It was just very real tonight
That’s okay. At the very least it came with great music. It’s rare that I remember music from a dream. I wish that would happen more.
Yeah, it was a good dream………….
………………but I’m not going there again……………..
