I had to break up the mix. Here’s part 1…..The Scream Along
1. Lukin – Pearl Jam
2. I’ll Stick Around – Foo Fighters
3. My My – Seven Mary Three
4. Through The Never – Metallica
5. Sex Type Thing – Stone Temple Pilots
6. Wind Up – Foo Fighters
7. Pushin Forward Back – Temple Of The Dog
8. Hey Man Nice Shot – Filter
9. Blew – Nirvana
10. Mudshovel – Staind
11. Falling Away From Me – Korn
12. Sober – Tool
13. Brain Stew – Green Day
14. Not For You – Pearl Jam
15. Halloween – Dave Matthews Band
16. Down In A Hole – Alice In Chains
17. Lay Lady Lay – Ministry
18. Tired Of Sex – Weezer
19. Whatever – Godsmack
20. Negative Creep – Nirvana
Part 2 will be a bit more of the typical 90’s self loathing, angst ridden rock that is Gen X. That will be the harder one, there’s a lot of good shit.
Damn it!! I just realized I forgot to put Suck You Dry – Mudhoney on the mix. It should probably replace Brainstew….I may need to make Scream Along V1.1
So I have decided to accept recomendations on my angry 90’s mix. I have 54 possible entries in my playlist so far, I already know of a good 10 that need to be cut. This is a small list of keepers
Lukin-pearl jam
Mudshovel-staind (might be early 2000’s)
‘Wind up’ or ‘I’ll stick around’-foo fighters
Brew-nirvana
Something aic
And something early stp
I’m leaning towards some green day, deftones, chevelle and tool, some not all will make it. I am struggling with good screaming vs lyrically angry songs.
Despite having 54 songs in contention, I know the final cut is not all there yet. So remind me.
I don’t know if it was Metallica’s ‘Through The Never’ that caused the awareness, but it was playing at the time.
I talk a lot about sacrificing parts of myself, wanting/needing personal growth, and seeking happiness……..blah blah. All good and all true. But through very random, no focused thought, I think I realized something…….I’m lonely. Random conversations about nothing is not “being” with someone, it’s not connecting, it’s nothing of value. All the other stuff is the symptoms, lonely is the ‘root cause’.
Ever feel lame being 30+ and still trying to figure this shit out!
Sorry, this was all really random. To stay positive I am well on my way to a WICKED Angry 90’s Mix….it’s coming along nicely.
I don’t know where to go from here. There’s shit to do, things to say, and growth to happen. I know where I’m happy, and it’s not where I am. I only see glimpses, and no more. I can’t see more, I need to do shit first. The thing is, I can’t do it for any other reason beyond my lack of happiness. Right now I know my minds example is these mere moments.
Happiness may not be the right word, but at the moment, it’s all I got. I’m not trying to be cryptic, say something by not saying anything.
I’m not where I was before. But the reason I was there in the first place, is still totally valid. I’ve cleared my head but it’s all still true.
Believe it or not, I planned on this being purely honest, totally blunt. Apparently I’m not there yet, either.
I came across this song by mistake today, and proceeded to play it 3-4 times. I know how it can read, it seems overly intentional, but it’s not meant to be. It just works for me today. I thibk it’s actually abut God…..whatever.
On Fire ~ Switchfoot
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you’ll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There’s more than what you’ve heard
There’s so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you’re on fire
When He’s near you
You’re on fire
When He speaks
You’re on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be… (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I’ll take
When I’m on fire
When You’re near me
I’m on fire
When You speak
And I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries…
I’m standing on the edge of me
I’m standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.
And i’ve been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I’m on fire
When You’re near me
I’m on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries… these mysteries… these mysteries
Ah you’re the mystery
You’re the mystery
I don’t want to be here today.
It’s one of those days that I struggle to see the positive. It started out pretty good, had extra time before work and had a good long drive with great tunes and a smoke. I don’t know when it changed but I still have 4 hrs and it seems like an eternity.
It’s the repeated complaints by people in the exact same situation as me. Stop calling and bitching about how your job is so hard. It’s not. Do something about it. I get venting, by I’m working and don’t want to take time away from my customers to make you feel better.
Argh!…… Sorry, I’m done venting. I told you I’m not so positive today.
It’s a bold statement to say “I’m a leader”. It comes across arrogant and cocky. Yet, to self doubt and claim to not have those traits is meek and self loathing.
Well I’m a leader. And I aim to be the furthest thing from cocky and arrogant. At least publicly. In my head I think I’m the shit. But, I am not someone who believes I am any better than anyone else. Well, that’s not true I have some customers I know I’m better than.
Still, somehow I’ve heard feedback lately that I come across cocky and above others. Honestly, that’s just about the worst thing anyone could say to me. Is it me that perpetuates this, I hope not. I can think of other reasons that this could be, but it really does sound arrogant, and wouldn’t help my case.
So…… One more thing for me to work on. It’s on the bottom of my list though, so if you can’t wait for that part to change, you’ll be waiting a while. And be disappointed to hear that I’m working on quite the opposite, to take credit for those things I do well, so stay away.
Really, I have nothing to say. I’m bored & on my break at work. But I really can ramble………
I’d love to find it, The Truth. If it exists. A global, life lesson. One that makes all this easier. This, being life. Music has a role. It’s too omnipotent to have some menial purpose of mere entertainment. Once created it lives it’s own life, connecting and disconnecting with people. It is a being all its own.
Beyond the truth of music, I am at a loss. Seeking this truth may just keep us further from it. A dog chasing it’s tail, just running in circles. Once caught, realizing, it’s just it’s tail. When the moment arrives that all is revealed, I’m sure it’s to be tremendously disappointing. We live our lives, make our choices, each one affecting the next one.
It’s dominoes. Not with people but with ourselves. Constantly trying to find the right piece to remove, that allows you to break the chain. And in finding it, having the courage to remove it, for all the good is also in that chain. It’s a gamble. Risk it all just to stop coasting.
But is coasting living?
It comes and goes….that connection. a running stitch constantly present but ever absent
A soundtrack the words, only feelings emotion connection always speaking the truth of you
sometimes simple others, beyond comprehension
An ever changing landscape of a world we don’t understand
Bipolar.
I’m not. I feel like it at times.
I am very comfortable alone, I enjoy being removed from people, and just being who and what I want to be in that moment. I dream of one day having the financial ability to be that weird old hermit, that kids make up stories about. I used to think that was a sign of my Independence and happiness with my self. Maybe it is, but I’m beginning to think that it’s also a cop out. By wanting to recluse myself I also avoid hurt, pain and any sort of judgment. In truth, countering my bold sense of self, and highlighting my insecurities.
Now, I am slowly realizing my need for people. Well, not so much people but my need for connection, and people of value. The fact is, everybody needs to feel validated, wanted, loved and have a connection with something outside their own walls. Otherwise you are just hiding.
As I sit now, there are very few people who “know” me. I’m good with that. So, I am revamping my hermit goal. Now, I hope to surround myself with people who challenge me, keep me positive, and whom I have a connection. Maybe, that list of people will be constantly changing, as I constantly change. But they will be people that a relationship is just simple, it develops naturally, and does it’s thing. I realize it sounds tremendously lazy, but the more I can avoid drama (I KNOW), the better.
I realize this is very one sided, there are a whole bunch of counter points that went through my head as I typed this. All that is important is that my outlook on relationships, friendships and acquaintances is changing….I think for the better. Until I hide again…..
