It owns you
Pulling at everything you do
Moments of freedom interupted by thought
Stabbing into the mundane
And digging it to the surface
Push it down
Bury it again
Run away and hope it doesn’t catch you
But it always does
Is acceptance the answer?
Is it even possible?
Is there a balance to this good and evil?
Is there ever?
Good conquers evil
Show me the proof
This world is a show of opposite
Life is pain
Everything you want lives here
Everything you loath
Show the hope to set the hook of disappointment
Pain
Why do you bother fighting anymore
Where is this hope coming from
Beat down over and over again
How do you stand
From the outside it may look like courage
Unquestionable strength
Rocky like will
But it’s nothing so noble
Is it?
It’s habbit
Seeing isn’t knowing
Knowing doesn’t lead to action
It’s a constant array of debris
Jagged rocks, and broken bones
Not enough to satisfy an end
Not enough to take it all away
And there’s the light
At times so bright
A burn is on the horizon
But to look away is to give up.
From the dark, the light is a drug
Light in the dark places
Just makes shadows
Dark corners to hide
Secrets
To step into the bright spaces
You need more than light
You need to leave the darkness
It’s human nature it seems
To never have enough
To be healthy, sufficient, and live in abundance
Have shelter, food and a shower
But there are those with more
Who, coincidently, want more
And as such we will never be happy
I, for one, am striving for contentment
Not to end ‘want’ but to be happy with ‘have’
I will fail, sadly
All but for these ephemeral steps of time
The Elephant
in my head
Is heavy
My skull
is beginning to crack
Get off,
get off,
fuck off
My feet are webbed
Moving up my legs
I want to get lost
Tho they don’t move
They’re stuck to you
The spider is come,
takes me away
take me away
the stench is thick
I welcome it in
drown in me
It’s atmosphere
Is heavy
It’s empty in here,
empty in here,
I’m empty
In the cold & rain
I’ll walk away
I wont run
I see my goal
But I won’t go
It’s time for alone,
I’ll go alone,
this time
Aargh! The title is the only thing I like of the 4 posts I’ve TRIED to write today. So instead, here’s a lazy venting, complaining journal post.
The last while, I’ve had a hard time getting it down. I’m too aware of what I want to say, what I’m trying to work out.
I’ve written a lot of music instead. I won’t ever complain about that. I just wish either one was something I could simply use as an outlet. Instead, they are frequently a source of frustration. Like all I need to do is bust down some wall (not even metaphorically, sometimes, like today, it feels like it’s all behind a physical wall in my chest) and it will all come flowing out. Words, music, release.
I’ve tried to talk it out. But where? Who? I know I can… but I can’t. It needs to be something else, and it feels like it will never come.
Maybe when I’m no longer content with discontent.
Do you ever have those days?
The ones where you don’t hate your job, but you just can’t be there today?
Ever feel that way about your life?
I don’t hate my life. But I could sure use a holiday from it.
I’m having one of those days where, were I financially able, I would disappear.
Leave behind all the crap & bull shit. I’d leave behind all that is meaningful & good too.
Today I’d trade it all.
The funny thing about days like these is nothing ever seems to set them off.
There’s no fight, or stupidity to piss you off. There’s just nothing… the same old.
Time to fuckin spice it up!
This is my glass is half full post. After yestardays slightly stoned and ridiculously depressing post, a little sunshine may be in order. My transition into positivity is helped along by Dan Mangan:
“Ive gotta shout, the time,
Can’t think of a single day
That I’m wasting away, wasted my time
Wishing the world, would fuck off
At least then I could be bitter
And now I’m just, fabulous
You are, fabulous
We’re so fucking, fabulous
We don’t even know it”
So good. He makes me wanna write.
That’s all for now….. I’m at work.
I realized today that since Feb 7, I have only posted 6 things. I used to force my self to post everyday. I need to start forcing myself again. I used to write continuously, lots of it useless crap, but I was writing. Through that writing I at least explore (perhaps, at times overindulge) the item that is presently on my mind. Of late, I have been useless, not just in writings, but in everything. I have no desire to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. I am lethargic, beyond the extreme. I have been a shitty friend. I have been a shitty husband. I have been a shitty boss. & I care… but not really. I am becoming jaded to everything around me, and want nothing to do with any of it.
This may be me at my most honest. I am ridiculously tired today… as I have been the last while & don’t have the energy to mask my truth and hint at it under the guise of creativity.
Ever have those days where you don’t want to be at work. Not a job you hate, a job you actually like. You don’t have anywhere else to be, or do, and it may not even be nice out, but for some reason, the last place you want to be is there. That’s how I feel about my life today. I’m done! There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s perfectly good, and I have nothing to be complaining about. But I am completely discontent. I want to leave everything I have, everyone I know and start over or hide.
Relationships, all relationships have limits. What if one reaches there limit and the other hasn’t…………… it doesn’t matter cause I wouldn’t do anything anyway.
I’ll probably, regret posting this later….. I should edit & filter…….
Fuck It!
Happy 420
It’s not always there.
A fleeting moment of perspective.
When isolation is the goal.
And a sense of victory expected at it’s achievement.
Yet, self doubt and a longing for another remains.
Get lost. Find your own way. Seek what you want.
Yet life still somehow requires communion.
That which speaks to the self in a way that could never accurately be expressed.
Or understood fully.
Still, somehow amplified when co-appreciated.
Appreciation does not mandate understanding,
In fact, it renders it meaningless.
Ineffable…. When words can’t describe…..
I am ridiculously FUCKING MAD right now.
After I left work today, I popped back for an hour to help out.
In that hour someone broke into my truck, stole my stereo, iPod, & gps.
I already bought a new iPod….it’s kinda a necessity.
But no music in my truck REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you know anyone who steals shit…. don’t tell me just cut their balls off!!
